The number one complaint I hear from autocrats and aspiring hegemons is, “How do I increase my territorial realm without raising hell from the United Nations’ Security Council or the U.S. military?” Ever since the end of World War I, it’s been increasingly more difficult for driven and visionary leaders to just conquer their neighbor. They wish for a simpler time before war crimes tribunals and Twitter.
Who could blame them? There are more hurdles today than ever to get what is rightfully yours. This post offers five easy steps to invading your neighbor in a lasting and meaningful way.
Who could blame them? There are more hurdles today than ever to get what is rightfully yours. This post offers five easy steps to invading your neighbor in a lasting and meaningful way.
1. Get a Map
Sound obvious right? You’d be surprised how many aspiring imperialists screw this step up. Did you know there are two Georgias?!
2. Find a Plot of Desirable Land
Like the ideal vacation spot, everyone has a different idea of what’s desirable. This doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other is wrong, quite the opposite. It just means that your needs as a strong and true leader are different than your peers. And that is OK! Here are some factors to consider:
• Politics: Is there a popular undercurrent working against your political agenda at home? There is no quicker way to get people back on your side than sending your opposition’s sons into war for the greatness of the nation. It’s really that simple.
• Correcting Historical Injustices: You know how smarmy people say, “Oh well, if you go back far enough, that land was owned by everyone’s kingdom at some point”? These people are wrong and jerks! The land that your nation’s now-exiled monarchy won in the 17th century and lost due to a peasant insurrection a century later totally belongs to you. Others don’t understand the mental strife that you and your people have suffered because of that unfilled autonomous region shaped hole in your national heart. Correct history by taking that land and then erase any mention of alternative ownership from your school’s text books.
• Beaches: Some countries have them and some countries don’t. If you are of the former, it’s time to become the latter, isn’t it?
ProTip: You don’t have to take the whole country! Just because a country claims to be a single sovereign entity under some antiquated 16th century notion of a “nation state” doesn’t mean you have to take the whole thing. Bite off what you can chew.
3. Make Sure You Got This
After you’ve picked the territory, again this might seem obvious, but make sure the current claimant of the targeted territory is weaker than you. This isn’t to say you are wussing out, but it does show that you are a mindful and practical leader. For example, are you looking to take over an island? If so, how’s your navy? Don’t have more than a few dinghies? That’s OK, nothing to be embarrassed about, but maybe a land based operation makes more sense!
Getting down to brass tacks, you need military intelligence. If your intelligence service is defunct, not trustworthy, or mentioned often by Edward Snowden there are alternatives. Without reliable intel on your target’s military capacity you can always turn to the internet. Make sure you employ an IP blocker and other security protections like using Bing! to protect the integrity or your mission. Ask questions like:
Did we recently sell their puppet government weapons?
Did we recently sell their rebels weapons?
Does this country’s name end with “-stan”?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, you might want to rethink the realities of your venture. If you answered “no” to these questions, go to town! Or province! Or territorial capitol!
4. Waltz, don’t run
Once you decide to make your move, it’s important to be cool about it. It works! I got backstage at a lot of concerts in college this way. Act like the place was already yours and that you belong there. Blame any confusion over ownership on America’s poor education system and not your suave blitzkrieg.
5. Wait
Congratulations on your territorial expansion! Once you are there and your flag is raised, you just gotta wait everyone out. There’s a really good chance that before your military adventure no one had heard of the land that is now rightfully and legally yours. This is a good thing, because the territory has no preconceived value to foreigners. Also, people’s memories are short, wait them out. Bring lots of water (you never know how good the local water is when traveling), snacks, and some entertainment for your boys while they are away from home. Buying them all Kindles with reliable WiFi access isn’t a bad idea. With this technology your troops can post photos to social media of them playing soccer with orphans or carrying an old lady across a cease-fire line. This “soft” diplomacy plays well both back home and abroad.
Remember, while your win is forever, in foreign media your geopolitical hotspot is just a flavor of the month. You never know how long it will be until Western media focuses on a new scandal. But when they do shift their attention like a dog after a squirrel, you can almost guarantee any promised sanctions or retaliation will be unfulfilled. If you don’t believe me, when was the last time you had a conversation about the Falkland Islands? Exactly.
Happy Conquering!
Sound obvious right? You’d be surprised how many aspiring imperialists screw this step up. Did you know there are two Georgias?!
2. Find a Plot of Desirable Land
Like the ideal vacation spot, everyone has a different idea of what’s desirable. This doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other is wrong, quite the opposite. It just means that your needs as a strong and true leader are different than your peers. And that is OK! Here are some factors to consider:
- Economics: Does your neighbor have something you really want and can’t get any other way (besides mutual free trade agreements, of course)? Then it might behoove you and your loyal military to just take it. Energy crisis at home? Take an oil field or two. Demanding mistress threatening to take your affair public? Nab a diamond mine. At a time when wealth is concentrating amongst fewer people (and nations) you are righting an economic wrong by redistributing mineral and oil wealth. Occupy Wall Street’s Twitter account will thank you.
• Politics: Is there a popular undercurrent working against your political agenda at home? There is no quicker way to get people back on your side than sending your opposition’s sons into war for the greatness of the nation. It’s really that simple.
• Correcting Historical Injustices: You know how smarmy people say, “Oh well, if you go back far enough, that land was owned by everyone’s kingdom at some point”? These people are wrong and jerks! The land that your nation’s now-exiled monarchy won in the 17th century and lost due to a peasant insurrection a century later totally belongs to you. Others don’t understand the mental strife that you and your people have suffered because of that unfilled autonomous region shaped hole in your national heart. Correct history by taking that land and then erase any mention of alternative ownership from your school’s text books.
• Beaches: Some countries have them and some countries don’t. If you are of the former, it’s time to become the latter, isn’t it?
ProTip: You don’t have to take the whole country! Just because a country claims to be a single sovereign entity under some antiquated 16th century notion of a “nation state” doesn’t mean you have to take the whole thing. Bite off what you can chew.
3. Make Sure You Got This
After you’ve picked the territory, again this might seem obvious, but make sure the current claimant of the targeted territory is weaker than you. This isn’t to say you are wussing out, but it does show that you are a mindful and practical leader. For example, are you looking to take over an island? If so, how’s your navy? Don’t have more than a few dinghies? That’s OK, nothing to be embarrassed about, but maybe a land based operation makes more sense!
Getting down to brass tacks, you need military intelligence. If your intelligence service is defunct, not trustworthy, or mentioned often by Edward Snowden there are alternatives. Without reliable intel on your target’s military capacity you can always turn to the internet. Make sure you employ an IP blocker and other security protections like using Bing! to protect the integrity or your mission. Ask questions like:
Did we recently sell their puppet government weapons?
Did we recently sell their rebels weapons?
Does this country’s name end with “-stan”?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, you might want to rethink the realities of your venture. If you answered “no” to these questions, go to town! Or province! Or territorial capitol!
4. Waltz, don’t run
Once you decide to make your move, it’s important to be cool about it. It works! I got backstage at a lot of concerts in college this way. Act like the place was already yours and that you belong there. Blame any confusion over ownership on America’s poor education system and not your suave blitzkrieg.
5. Wait
Congratulations on your territorial expansion! Once you are there and your flag is raised, you just gotta wait everyone out. There’s a really good chance that before your military adventure no one had heard of the land that is now rightfully and legally yours. This is a good thing, because the territory has no preconceived value to foreigners. Also, people’s memories are short, wait them out. Bring lots of water (you never know how good the local water is when traveling), snacks, and some entertainment for your boys while they are away from home. Buying them all Kindles with reliable WiFi access isn’t a bad idea. With this technology your troops can post photos to social media of them playing soccer with orphans or carrying an old lady across a cease-fire line. This “soft” diplomacy plays well both back home and abroad.
Remember, while your win is forever, in foreign media your geopolitical hotspot is just a flavor of the month. You never know how long it will be until Western media focuses on a new scandal. But when they do shift their attention like a dog after a squirrel, you can almost guarantee any promised sanctions or retaliation will be unfulfilled. If you don’t believe me, when was the last time you had a conversation about the Falkland Islands? Exactly.
Happy Conquering!
